Apple, Inc. (AAPL) announced this afternoon that it would acquire the state of Alabama, and all of its counties. According to the company, this all-cash transaction should not be dilutive to shareholders, using only .013 percent of available reserves.
While iOS is widely available throughout Alabama, Android is only available in nine counties, twelve refuse to allow the Google Play store to operate, and 46 counties have cut off access to both iOS and Android. While there have been select unboxing events in the nine regions, in many others couples have tried to buy new mobile devices and been turned away.
"Apple believes in equality of opportunity of all operating systems and are moving aggressively to make both platforms available all over my state," said Alabaman native Tim Cook, Apple CEO.
In a preemptive strike, Apple has relocated their 57th St. Glass Cube over Alabama Chief Justice Roy S. Moore and his home in a move that appears to echo Act Up's action towards a southern senator nearly 30 years earlier.
"The new glass prevents all electronic transmissions from entering or leaving his home. Devices will get five bars outside the perimeter, but inside Judge Moore will get only "No Signal," said Leslie Cheung, Apple product marketing manager for social justice. "We believe this will dampen his mischief while country waits for C|Net's nine product reviewers in Washington D.C. to issue their evaluation in June.
Those close to the website believe that the reviewers will issue a ruling ensuring mobile operating system equality nationwide. "I overheard them at CES and they wouldn't have agreed to revisit products they've already reviewed if they weren't intending to make their ratings national," said Re/Code reporter Faye Carriage.
Meanwhile the Apple CEO has asked that members of both the Auburn Football and Duke Basketball teams fan out across the state to try to persuade reluctant Probate Judges to reconsider. "People say we're just dumb jocks, said Nick Montana, Tulane's starting quarterback. The trick is we're all also minoring in constitutional law both at the state and national levels. We're eager and ready to argue the finer points of Alabama probate jurisprudence."
Back in Santa Clara, CA, neutral ground between Cupertino and Mountain View, Google VP of Android Sundar Pichai and Apple Senior Vice-President Craig Federighi appeared at a rare joint press conference urging the Alabama courts to get the bits flowing going again and do the best thing for the state's users. "Everyone should have the right to an unboxing ceremony anywhere in Alabama and indeed, across the entire country," Pichai contributed. Google has not yet decided whether to file suite to block the acquisition.
Thought the situation on the ground remains someone tense, as Apple scrambles to accommodate a newly out and vocal Windows Phone minority, Apple's stock closed up up $35 to $157 a share.
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